Love is Unspoken
by grayfirefly
Summary: If my life was a fairy tale, I would like to dream of a happy ending with you... But, it isn't and it can never be... Oneshots
1. Love and Fairy Tale

_Author's Notes:_ This is the first time I have ever tried to write a fanfic - having no extraordinary talent in writing. I know I made a lot of mistakes. So, please, tell me so that I can correct it. Thanks so much. =]

_Disclaimer:_ Detective Conan doesn't belong to me. So do Ai and Conan.

* * *

**** Love and Fairy Tale ****

_._

_._

_Once upon a time, she had a love story_

_A bittersweet story had neither beginning nor ending_

_A love story that only she knew…_

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_._

...-...-...-...

Hey, Conan…

You know what, today sensei told our class a very interesting fairy tale, but you, so unlucky, didn't go to school this morning. I never liked fairy tales before. Those so sweet and dreamy stories are made for normal children, not for someone like me. However, this one seems to be an exception because, well, I think I kind of like it. You should be wondering now what this story's about that can make me, Ai Haibara, interested. If you beg me, I may be generous enough to tell you again.

-0-

"_Once upon a time, there was a beautiful kingdom in somewhere far, far away. The Prince of this kingdom was very righteous, kind, and clever. He might be a little bit arrogant but he was loved by everyone. He had a happy life, with no worry or sadness. On his eighteenth birthday, his world even became more perfect when he was engaged with a pretty princess whom he had always loved from the neighbor kingdom. Time passed by like the summer winds, strong, fast, and easy to forget._

_One day, the Prince, with his righteousness, enraged the most powerful and evil wizard of the Dark. The spiteful Wizard cast a spell on him that made him very ugly and forced him to drink a poison which would gradually kill him. After that, the Dark Wizard left the Prince alone in the empty forest. He never anticipated that instead of killing the poor Prince, the poison only shrank his body to a small child. The Prince, burning with fury and desperation, swore to revenge and fight back the Dark Wizard until the day he died._

_In the meantime, there lived a witch, who was one of the smartest subordinates of the Dark Wizard. She was also the one who created the poisons for him to harm his enemies, no matter she wanted it or not. The Witch had a secret that no one knew. She had liked the Prince in the far away kingdom ever since the first time she saw him in the Dark Wizard's magic mirror. When she found out her new poison had been used to kill him, she immediately left her master's castle to come to the Prince. In order to escape the Dark Wizard's long, intense chases, she cleverly transformed herself into a little butterfly that always stayed beside the Prince. Although the Prince doubted her at the beginning, the Witch gained his trust over time. Every time the Prince was in danger, she would change back to protect him. In return, the Prince tried to save her from the other Dark Wizard subordinates' persistent hunting and seeking. _

_Spending time with the Prince, staying close to him, so close, the Witch suddenly realized that she started falling for the Prince. From just liking him, she found herself in love with him. But, she never told the Prince anything about her feelings. Because she knew the angelic Princess was patiently waiting for him, regardless of his sudden disappearance. She also knew the Prince's unfailing love for her, and she was the one who indirectly, unintentionally ruined their happiness. It's just that every time the Witch saw the longing and loving look on the Prince's face as he stared at the Princess's castle sadly, she would fly away to a distant mountain for a short while. She would find a tree, carve a hole in it, and whisper her deepest secret into the hole. Then, she made it vanish as if it had never existed in this world. No one would ever know how many holes she had carved and erased without a trace or how many times she had painfully confessed her unrequited love only to let it silently dissolve into thin air. _

_What should never be said would never be said. What should never be known would never be known._

_After many months and days, the Witch finally found a way to turn the Prince back to his old form. No words could say how happy the Prince was to be who he really was. Unfortunately, when the Prince returned, the Dark Wizard appeared from out of nowhere. He was so furious to learn that the Witch was the one who helped the Prince all along. He tried to kill the Prince again and capture the Witch. The Witch didn't want to see the Prince die or let anybody ever steal his happiness away just like she had accidentally done once. She sacrificed herself to save him and made the Dark Wizard much weaker so that the Prince could defeat him. When the fierce battle ended, the Prince successfully killed the Dark Wizard and destroyed his dismal castle entirely. Then, without delay, he hurried to come back to his lovely princess, who had never stopped anxiously __waiting and searching for him at any moment. No words could describe how happy the Prince and the Princess were to see each other again after so many long dreams and tearful wishes. Their wedding was celebrated with great splendour, and of course, they lived happily ever after."_

_-0-_

How is it? It is a good story, isn't it? Prince and princess, the good always wins the bad, happy ending…

_And…_

What do you think about the witch, Edogawa-kun? Do you think she's smart?

Sure, she's smart enough to create the dangerous poison that could turn people forever small and kill them, leaving no trace at all. She's smart enough to change into a butterfly to hide herself from her enemies. She's smart enough to choose a so good and clever prince to be her companion and ally. She's smart enough to pick the most wonderful guy to love. She's smart enough to find the way to turn the prince back to his normal form. She's so smart that she even helped him defeat the most powerful Dark Wizard in that world.

_But… why did I find her so dumb, so foolish?_

She's so dumb to decide to run away from the Dark Wizard, become his enemy, and choose a false life full of fear and danger. She's so dumb to let her intelligence be used by the Dark Wizard and end up destroying many innocent people's lives. She's so dumb to let herself fall hopelessly in love with someone who could never ever love her back. She's even dumb enough to eventually sacrifice herself and everything she had in order to protect her beloved prince as well as help him return to his lovely princess. In the end, she faded away into the dark, into… nothingness.

Everyone forgot about her. After all, the prince and the princess had their perfect happy ending just like always. Why should anyone bother to remember someone whose name and past that were meant to be bad and evil? After all, the witch was just…another character… an extra to glorify the prince's bravery and beautify his passionate love for the princess.

_Who would care whether the witch could ever have her own happy ending or not?_

The witch was really so dumb, wasn't she?

_Even though I say so, even though I know so well how dumb and stupid what the witch's doing…_

_If I were her, I probably still did the same…_

I can imagine how hard you should be laughing if you were here right now. You would say that I am not myself any more to say anything like that or do anything like that. I can never be that sensitive or I don't belong to that romantic type like your Ran.

Yeah…You may be right…

It's so not like me to fall in love with someone easy like that.

It's so not like me to wish that a witch could have her happy ending one day.

It's so not like me to think that if that prince were you, I would definitely neither regret nor hesitate to jump into any fire.

It's so not like me to wonder what if, just what if the witch had met the prince sooner, or what if the witch had had a normal life like any other girls, would the prince have loved her by any chance?

It's so not like me to feel as though I can understand how hurt the witch must feel to realize the prince's heart could never be hers.

'Cause it is so not like me, the me I always show in front of you and others, the me I always thought it was the "real" me…

.

.

.

Will I ever tell you this fairy tale?

Will you ever want to listen to me, to this silly story?

.

.

.

Will I…ever have the courage to tell you how and what I feel?

Will I? Or Will I Not?

-0-

_Perhaps, these feelings, these thoughts, will be just like the witch's little secret, hiden in silence and gone in silence... in this world full of noises._

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...-...-...-...-...-...

_Once upon the time, she had a love story._

_A bittersweet story happened not too soon but too late_

_A love story that only she knew…_

_._

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_._


	2. Love and the Rain

_*** _**Love and the Rain *****

_# Rain is cold drops of water falling down from the endless sky, dissolving the dust in the air, and dulling the noises in its deepest melody. It comes, unbidden and unthinking, claiming us in a space that time doesn't exist. Past, Future, and Present, are all meaningless. #_

...-...-...-...

The raven haired boy looked up to the sky. It was sunny that day, so sunny that it almost blinded your eyes. He adjusted his glasses and used one hand to shield his eyes from the glaring sunshine.

"I want more rain. Even though this month is in rainy season, it barely rains lately, don't you think?" The boy turned around to face the little strawberry blonde girl who was flipping lazily a fashion magazine and trying to suppress a yawn. The class was taking a break and the rest of the detective group was excitedly discussing about the newest Kamen Yaiba episode the day before.

"Do you know that there are many people around the world who are praying desperately for the sun like this to stop the violent flood? And you, who are blessed to sit here comfortably and enjoy the warming sunlight, ask for more rain? You don't know how to treasure what you have, Edogawa-kun." The little girl said sarcastically, without raising her head from the magazine.

"Can you answer my simple question without asking me another question or criticizing me like that?" He squirmed, slightly irritated.

"I just stated the fact. If it's not true, you need not to feel annoyed, right?" The strawberry blonde replied nonchalantly.

The boy sighed, defeated. She always was the only one who could leave him tongue-tied.

"Don't you like rain, Haibara?" He asked randomly after a while.

"Rain is the primary source of fresh water for most areas of the world. It is important to all human, plants and animals…" The girl noticed amusedly a confused look on the boy's face. She hid a smirk and went on, answering honestly the question this time. "I don't like anything wet, Edogawa-kun."

'_Like tears.' _She thought to herself.

"Oh, really? I love walking under the rain. It's so refreshing and fun to splash in the puddles. You and I can try sometimes. Maybe you will want to rethink about it." The boy grinned playfully.

"I didn't know that you are still childish like that. You never stop surprising me." She chuckled under her breath.

"Hey, we are children now, aren't we?" He pouted sulkily.

"Yeah, you are, not me. I will not be surprised if someday I find out you play with dolls and teddy bear, too." She said mockingly.

"Oi oi.." The boy grimaced, searching in his mind for some witty things to snap back.

"Anyway, I don't want to get sick with you. Then your silliness disease can transmit to me and affect my _super_ intelligence and sanity." The little girl intercepted his incoherent thoughts, totally ignoring his sullen face.

She moved her hand a little bit, letting the sunlight scatter on her palm and her strawberry blonde hair, making it look even more gorgeous and redder than ever. The light reflected in her emerald eyes wavered for a moment as she slowly closed her hand. A soft murmur escaped her lips, so soft that no one could hear.

'_Sunshine is so beautiful, so warm as if your fragile skin is burning and your tiny heart is put on fire, but finally it will disappear. Sometimes, I want to hold it back, even just one little ray of light. And I fail miserably._

_Why… Why does something feel so good on my open palm can never be mine even just once? Why does its warmth vanish as soon as I close my palm? Am I so selfish to wish the sun could generously shine upon me a little longer?'_

The boy looked at the little girl with curiosity as she didn't say anything after a long while, but stared at her closed palms fixedly, deep in thought.

'_What is she thinking? Is her hand hurt?'_ The boy wondered.

"Oi, Haibara…" He scratched his neck, faltering.

The girl reluctantly raised her head to look at him.

"What?"

"What are you thinking?" The boy practically blurted out. He did want to say, 'Are you feeling ok?', but decided to keep it to himself. She seemed puzzled by his unexpected question but her smirk replaced it automatically.

"Since when did you care what I am thinking, Kudo-kun? You are the greatest detective of Japan after all. You can find out every single trick that those criminal masterminds used, but cannot know what an ordinary girl is thinking?" Her voice was dripped with sarcasm.

"Seriously, you are anything but an ordinary girl. And I will never be able to see through you, even if I want to." He continued in his thoughts. _'You are so complicated, Haibara. It may be much easier if you are just simple like Ran or Ayumi. But you are you; Ai Haibara will always be Ai Haibara. Your heart is like a glass castle. I look into it, foolishly think that I can see everything, understand everything but in fact, what I see is just the transparent outside. Your castle has so many hidden corners that my eyes are not able to reach; my hands are not able to touch. Once for a while, you suddenly open your impenetrable gate. I hope you can let me see a little inside of you. But before I am able to grasp any view of it, you mercilessly shut me out.'_

"Oh, I'm _so_ sorry but that is what makes me who I am. Do you mind if I cannot be easy-to-read like your Ran-neechan or Ayumi-chan?" She challenged as though she read his mind. Her eyebrows knitted together.

"Nah… Is it that hard to tell me what you are thinking?" The boy tried to change the subject; he didn't want to make the little girl angry. "Or is it because you are thinking something bad of me, so you can't tell me at all?" He groaned.

"Don't flatter yourself, Kudo-kun." She raised her beautiful eyes at him smugly. "You know, the brain can work like a radio. Information is sent in wavelike form. Your electromagnetic waves are way too low to reach my intelligent brain."

A slight frown appeared on his smooth forehead.

"Moreover, I'm just thinking it shouldn't rain today, because I forgot to bring my umbrella. And you want it to rain so badly, don't you?" She added on, accusingly.

Before the raven haired boy protested with some very persuasive arguments he just thought, the bell rang all of a sudden. He had to put aside his argument as well as his intention to ask her why she had stared at her palm like that for a while, until they somehow disappeared in his mind as the lessons went on.

x...x...X

It seemed like God heard what the boy said. In that evening, large dark clouds roamed all over the western sky. Somewhere behind the stretching horizon, the thunder resonated dimly. The winds became stronger, rustling the dry, colourful leaves, crashing through brittle twigs, and throwing them up into the air.

The boy wearing glasses and the strawberry blonde girl walked side by side after separating from the other three children.

"Your wish is fulfilled. Are you happy now, Edogawa-kun?" The girl gazed at some dead leaves swirling toward the ground and the darkening sky.

"Nah… Don't worry. It will not rain anytime soon, at least until you are safe and sound at Agase's house." The boy grinned widely.

'_I hate his stupid grin.'_

'_But it is the reason that makes you smile everyday.' _Some voice in the back of her head remarked, and she furiously pushed it away.

They passed by a groceries store and she stopped.

"I need to buy some food for this week before Agasa and I die from hunger. I told him three days ago and he said let him go. As the result of it, we ate ramen for three days. You know how forgetful he can be, don't you? Even ramen is running out now, so you just, go ahead." She complained, turning to open the glass door.

The boy held the door for her and quickly slipped inside.

"You don't need to follow me." The girl tilted her head to one side, studying his face for some reason she didn't know.

"Baka…Do you think you can carry tons of food at the same time all by yourself?" The boy folded his hands across his chest.

"Even a huge elephant can not eat tons of food in one week." She lifted her eyebrows at him in amusement.

"It's just one way to say. Don't waste time. It can rain while you're standing there to argue with me." The boy took a shopping basket from the counter and began to pick up some food for her. His back faced her, and therefore, he failed to see a tiny smile grace her lips as well as a small glint in her beautiful eyes.

"Conan-kun," A familiar voice rang across the aisles. The boy immediately spun around, and his face brightened up considerably.

"Ran-neechan, what are you doing here?" His voice sounded so childish yet so sweet. Putting the basket down, his eyes beamed with happiness as he ran toward the glass door.

"Dad's drunk again. He said he was hungry, but there was nothing left in the refrigerator. So, I have to go and buy some food. Otherwise, when you come back, you will not have anything to eat, either." The high school girl smiled endearingly at him.

"You can call me. I can eat at Professor Agase's house or I will go buy for you." His eyes narrowed and the look on his face turned serious as he remembered something. "You're sick, Ran-neechan. You didn't even go to school this morning. You shouldn't go outside unless you want your cold get worse. Did you take any medicine, Ran-neechan?" The boy inquired with a concerned expression. He even tried to jump up to touch Ran's forehead so that he could feel her temperature.

"I'm fine. Don't worry. Now that you mention it, I think I forgot completely about the doctor's medicine." Ran laughed nervously.

"Your forehead is so hot. Even your cheeks are pink." Now he was very worried. "Your cold is obviously getting worse. In addition, it's going to rain. Don't you bring any raincoat or umbrella with you?"

Ran shook her head meekly, and without warning, her knees felt very weak. She had to lean on the wall to keep her balance.

"This isn't good. You should go home now, Ran- neechan." The boy glanced around quickly, looking for anything that could shield her from the rain coming, but found none.

"I will go buy a raincoat. You wait here, Ran." The boy anxiously looked at the taller girl one more time, ready to go.

"No. Just wait here. I'll go." A voice sounded from behind him.

He quickly turned around to find the strawberry blonde girl looking at him in a strange way.

"Haibara?" The little girl felt as if she heard the voice of a stranger. At that time, he was merely a stranger to her. A stranger completely forgot her existence until now. His tone cut her deeply.

"You should stay here with her. You can't leave her like this when she's not feeling well, can you?" She gave him a half-smile.

"But you didn't bring any umbrella, either." The boy bit his lip uncertainly. "What if the rain comes down –"

"Baka, I don't have an umbrella but I have a raincoat." She cut him off. "Don't worry. Just stay with her. Ran needs you." She said curtly, looked swiftly away, and hurriedly ran out the door.

He never saw her sad eyes and the rueful smile drop instantly as she turned her face away from him.

He never noticed her strained voice as she tried so hard to sound casual but failed completely.

x...x...X

Drawing in a deep fortifying breath, the strawberry blonde girl strode down the street. The sunset shined on her, covering her in the reddish light, like the eye color of someone who just finished crying out her heart. It also made the little girl's face look as rigid as a statue sculpted of stone. She looked up to the dark dreary sky bleakly, the mournful wind blowing over her, piercing her. She shivered in the cold, crossing her small arms tightly across her chest, feeling like a dry leaf that could be blown up to the sky and torn apart at any moment.

'_It would be nice if your heart was never easy to read like an open book. I wouldn't be able to see how much space there is in it, who's in that space, and where I am. I could hope that I had a place in your heart or my existence could mean more than it is to you._

_And it would not hurt me so bad like this because everything I see is her.'_

There were only two raincoats left at the store the strawberry blonde girl came in. It seemed like God's toying with her. A few raindrops began to trickle down above her and increased in frequency. The thunder was growling distressingly in the far distance. The little girl quickened her pace, so that she would not be wet and he would never have a chance to find out that she had lied to him. She had brought nothing with her, neither umbrella nor raincoat. A faintest smile drew on her curved lips.

'_That idiot can be__ deceived easily in certain cases…'_

When she came back, he was sitting on the bench with Ran. His hand was holding her hands affectionately while her head leaned on his small shoulder trustfully. Rain left long glittering traces of moisture on the large glass window behind their backs. The strawberry blonde girl felt like she was watching a romantic scene from a classic movie, except the main character should be the same age and the same height as his lover. It was all her fault that their happy moment could not be perfect.

'_Thousands of times I wish I could go back in time and change the past, so that you would never have to suffer and have an undisturbed life with her…_

_Even if that means I would not be able to meet you in this tedious world… _

_Even if that means I would never exist in your sacred memory.'_

She blinked her eyes blankly and made her way toward them. Her slightly trembling hands held the raincoats tight and firmly. Breathe, she had to remind herself. But, the moment the raven haired boy raised his head to meet her eyes, her face appeared as emotionless and indifferent as ever. She wordlessly handed him the two raincoats.

"How about you?" The boy asked with genuine concern.

She paused for a second.

"Hey, I'm not a little girl, ok? I have my raincoat with me. As for the food, I think I will buy it tomorrow. Agasa and I can survive through today with ramen. Just go home and take good care of her. I will be ok."

'_I will be ok.' _She repeated severely in her head and heard it vibrate inside her every bone. The strawberry blonde girl wasn't sure who she was convincing, him or herself.

"Alright." The boy said after a while unsuccessfully trying to meet her emerald eyes. "But I think you should stay here. I will call Agasa to pick you up."

"How old do you think I am? Honestly, do I look like a little girl who cannot go home by herself?" She raised her voice sharply, somehow becoming irritated with his stubbornness.

'_Your care can hurt, don't you know, Edogawa-kun?'_

The boy didn't seem uneasy any more as he heard her usual sarcasm. He and Ran began to put on the raincoats she had bought while the strawberry blonde girl just watched them in absolute silence. Then, he turned around, grinning apologetically at her.

"Thank you, Haibara." He said sincerely.

"You owe me a big one, Edogawa-kun. A brand-new Prada handbag will be enough." Her smirk grew wide.

'_Sometimes I wonder if some human beings are born naturally an actor. They put on a perfect smiling face, pretending to be all happy. Who knows that, deep inside, they're in pain and suffering, but outside they're still laughing and joking._

_._

_Don't you think I am an excellent actor?'_

"Oi, oi…" He made a face at her, and turned to the taller girl. "Let's go home, Ran nee-chan."

'_It sounds so selfish_

_But_

_If I couldn't learn to hide so well the feelings that I have for you…_

_Would you stay here with… me?'_

Ran nodded weakly. She looked so tired and her face was pale.

'_She needs him, more than me…_

_She has him, much more than me…'_

The little girl's eyes followed them silently as they slid toward the glass door. When the boy held the handle of the door and was going to push it open, his name unconsciously left her lips.

"Conan…" Her voice was so soft, so hollow. She didn't think he could hear her. Therefore, she startled to see him turn around and look at her, perplexed.

Suddenly, her mouth went very dry. Why did she call out to him? Did she not want him to leave her alone?

"Be careful when you cross the street." She smiled, faking a teasing expression. Her brain worked so quickly, painfully.

"Geez, I'm not a little boy, either." He grinned and waved goodbye.

And he was walking away. And she was staring dumbly at his back when he walked out the door, into the light shower, with that girl hand in hand. For a brief moment, she felt like she wanted to cry.

'_I will be okay.'_

He barely noticed that her false smile never ever reached her dull eyes.

He barely noticed that she hadn't breathed normally since the second she handed him those raincoats.

She closed her eyes, suddenly feeling so out of this world.

'_If my heart were able to speak, I would like to ask why it gave a part of me to you easy like that… when you didn't even ask for it…_

_I know I should not be here. I know it's so wrong to harbor feelings for someone I can't have._

_Now I'm lost in an empty space. Neither turning away nor staying is possible._

_You, just like everything used to appear in my life, will come and leave, will exist and vanish, no matter I want it or not.'_

x...x...X

The strawberry blonde girl went out the store, quietly soaking herself under the heavy downpour.

'_I always told myself that I was not interested in love and wouldn't give myself a chance to be let down. The more you hope, the more you'll feel disappointed as it turns out completely different from the way you want it to be._

_I always built up all these defenses, all these walls, so that nothing could hurt me, no one could touch me. _

_And then you came, the greatest detective I've ever met yet the most clueless guy I've ever known. Everything comes undone. My life isn't my own anymore. No matter how many times I repeat over and over in my head, "I'm fine. I'm used to being alone," I don't believe it myself like I did before…_

_But I will never try to make you mine…_

_No matter how much I love your silly smile,_

_How much I want to touch your warm hands…_

_Or how much I wish I was able to hold you in my arms…_

…_._

_People should only search for things within their reach, right?'_

The rain was battering down coldly, like thousands of arrows piercing her heart, violently ripping her soul apart. She gripped her schoolbag tightly that her fingers grew numb.

'_Why am I still holding on to something that just isn't there and can never be there?'_

The thunder rumbled loudly, shaking the earth wildly and slashing the dark sky into thousand pieces. The howling wind, shredding through the curtain of rain, threatened to tear bushes and trees out of the ground. The little girl, insensibly walking slowly under the falling rain, totally unaware of the streams of people hastily passing by, seemed like a broken crystal doll.

'_I never love the rain._

_The day I knew my sister was killed, it rained._

_The day I fled the black organization and fell unconscious in front of Agase's house, it rained._

_The day you returned back to her, appearing in the play at your school, as I disguised as you, it rained._

_The day I declined the Witness Protection Program offer of FBI, choosing to face them with you, not running away anymore, it rained._

…_And today, it rains..._

_Somehow, it seems like God has been crying for me. For someone like me, full of guilt and sins, tears of God can wash away neither the past nor the pain in my wounded heart…_

_._

_I hate the rain._

_Every time I look at it, I feel so lonely… _

_As though I am isolated from this world by the blurry wall of rain… _

_As though everything is melting away in front of my eyes that I am so powerless to hold them back_

…_just like you…_

_._

_Only now and then, I feel like I am not any different from a tiny raindrop. Silently falling down from the sky above and splashing against the rough ground unnoticed. Who would ever cry for a raindrop? Who would ever notice its tiny existence amongst thousands of raindrops still falling endlessly outside?_

_._

_._

_._

_Raindrops are destined to be broken and forgotten._

_._

_._

_._

_Am I a raindrop… to you?'_

_._

_._

x...x...X

The strawberry blonde girl stood still at a corner of the street. Her eyes looked into nothing, but her ears were strained to hear an unknown song from a strange street musician she barely saw before. He, standing under the dim streetlight with his umbrella lying forsaken on the damp ground, sang in a saddest voice she had ever heard. The melody from his old guitar, through the rain, sounded so beautiful yet so heartbreaking.

_**I reach for you like I'd reach for a star**_

_**Worshipping you from afar, living with my silent love**_

_**I'm like a flame dying out in the rain**_

_**Only the ashes remain, smoldering like my silent love**_

She blinked her eyes, again and again.

_**How I long to tell all the things I have planned **_

_**Still it's wrong to tell, you would not understand **_

_**You'll go along never dreaming I care **_

_**Loving somebody somewhere, leaving me my silent love **_

She squeezed her eyes shut tightly.

'_The rain is so cold. It almost freezes me right now. But why do I feel my eyes burning?_

_The rain is always tasteless. But why does it taste so salty and bitter now?_

_Why…'_

_._

"You should go home, little girl. There will be a big storm tonight." Her eyes flew open. The street musician's sudden talking almost made her jump out of her skin.

"Save it for yourself. No one in their right mind will stay here, either." The strawberry blonde girl muttered, unsure if he could hear her.

"We're just the same. I rarely see an elementary girl walking in the rain like this. You must be out of your mind, too." Smiling gently, he handed her his umbrella.

She couldn't make out his face in that kind of weather, but she thought he was a very young man.

"I don't need it." She refused coolly, turning her back to him. "By the way, you have a good voice, but you should change the song." She threw a quick glance over her shoulder before heading out to the main street.

"By the way, your eyes are beautiful, but it's better if you don't cry." The little girl stopped half-way.

"I don't cry," She replied dryly, breathlessly. Her bangs covered her eyes.

'_I will never cry for that stupid detective.'_ She angrily denied.

"Some people like crying under the rain. They think it's a better way to hide their tears away from others because it's hard to tell tears and rain apart. Regardless of whether you believe it or not, the rain can only wash away your tears, not your fear, hurt, despair, sadness, insecurity, or…love. You can even catch a cold and lay in the bed for the whole week. Not to mention the rain can intensify those feelings and make them more unbearable than ever." He whispered slowly, as if he was talking to himself.

'_Rain can conceal my most raw and naked emotions that I never want to be visible under the sunlight… so it's fine…'_

The strawberry blonde girl blinked away the rain that was slamming into her eyes. But in a flash, the rain didn't beat down on her any more. She looked up, stunned to find the street musician carefully kneeling on one knee in front of her, holding his old umbrella out. She wanted to flinch away from him but her legs couldn't move. She was able to see him clearly now. His light brown hair's drenched with rain, plastering to his face. His eyes were large, silver gray, prominent, and brilliant. His flawless lips were half curved into a warm smile. She frowned slightly and stiffened a little when he touched her cheek, tenderly wiping away the hot liquid streaming down her face.

"Do you know why you shouldn't cry in the rain, little girl? Because if someone sees you cry, they will be able to dry your tears. If no one knows or you just cry alone, there is no way your tears can be dry. It's okay to appear weak once for a while, crying without any restraint…" He smiled wistfully.

The rain was rushing down violently around them.

"There are tears that can never be dry." She smirked, but the expression was fleeting.

"Yeah, if you don't use the right handkerchief." His friendly smile never faded. There was something really special about him that she couldn't quite put a finger on.

'_What if that handkerchief has already been taken?'_

"Come back home, little girl. When you grow up, there will be someone to love you, to keep you close to him, and never make you cry. Everybody will have somebody." He put the umbrella firmly into her hand. "Until that day comes, don't refuse it."

"Usually I don't accept things from stranger, but today can be an exception."

They stared at each other in silence. Then, both of them returned to their separate paths. When the strawberry blonde girl stepped further away, she heard him speak, almost like a whisper out of melancholy.

"The fierce storm tonight probably will stop tomorrow morning. But the storm stirring our hearts can never ease any time soon…"

She spun around and he disappeared. She could see nothing but the rain pounding endlessly and the lightning flashing, tearing up the western sky.

'_If my feelings for you could be just like this rain, easy come and easy go…_

_I wouldn't need anyone to dry my tears_

_Because I wouldn't cry in the very first place…'_

And she walked in the rain… again…

'_If the rain could erase any trace of this unrequited feeling_

_Let it rain_

_On me_

_For all eternity.'_

_._

_._

_._

...-...-...-...-...-...

_## Love is just like the rain in some way, unpredictable and unpreventable. No matter how fast you run, it's impossible to escape the rain._

_._

_._

_._

_If rain is the string that binds together the earth and the sky, why can't it bind our hearts?_

_._

_._

_._

_._

_Neh, God… Tell me, will I ever have a chance to see rainbow after this eternal downpour? ##_


	3. Love and Balloons

_*******_** Love and Balloons ***_******_

_** If you fill a balloon with helium, it'll fly._

_If you fill love with freedom, it'll fly. **_

_._

.

...-...-...-...-...-...

It was a beautiful Sunday. The luminous sky was clear cloudless blue. The sun was filling the world with its warming sunshine. The air was so fresh that you could smell the light fragrance of sunflowers. The birds were perpetually chirping their melodious songs. Everything promised a prefect day for camping.

Therefore….

"Professor Agasa, hurry up. We don't want to be late." The three children yelled altogether, pacing back and forth outside the small garden impatiently.

"You three should consider my age. I'm not as youthful as you." Agasa complained as he opened the door, still looking for his keys in his pockets.

"You are the one who always tells us not to call you old, Professor." Genta crossed his arms, shaking his head incredulously.

"What's taking you so long? We have been waiting here for almost half an hour, Professor." Mitsuhiko stepped out from behind Genta, looking at his watch.

"Yeah, if you count one second as one minute." Conan muttered, making the freckled boy flush.

"It's already past our scheduled time." Ayumi looked around worriedly. "But where's Ai-chan?"

"She'll be here in one second." Agasa said cheerfully, revving up the Beetle. "Oh, there she is."

A strawberry blonde girl made her way to them, yawning sleepily.

"Oh, my my, finally the sleeping beauty came out of her dismal castle." Conan smirked at her.

Ai shot him her trademark glare and he winced in invisible pain.

"Professor… I will sit next to you." Conan stammered out weakly. Without letting Agasa reply, he jumped on the front seat, before her glaring killed him alive.

The kids quickly followed Conan and got in the car. The Beetle started to move slowly.

"I don't know what you guys are excited about. After all we're just going to the park." Ai settled herself into the corner of the seat, resting her cheek on her palm, and lazily looking out the window. The streets, houses, trees, cars, and people appeared and disappeared, changing rapidly like the scenes in a movie that was fast-forwarding.

'_Life is somehow like sitting in a car. You can only move forward, and sometimes, be driven to destinations you never even know existed in this world._

_If you move too fast, you will leave many things behind unknown._

_If you move too low, people keep passing by you, and till some time you will be left all alone._

_Nonetheless, there are some people who cannot move at all. They stand hopelessly at the intersection, watching everyone go past them, longing for someone who can take them in and bring them forward…'_

"It's a secret. You will know when we come there, Ai-chan." Ayumi grinned cheerily at her. Then she turned to Mitsuhiko and Genta, chattering noisily about some game Agase just created.

Looking up at the three children through the rearview mirror, Conan raised his eye in question, but he said nothing. Agasa just smiled delightedly. To him, as long as they were happy, he would be happy.

_._

_._

'_I wonder…what destination this car will drive me to…'_

x...x...X

The park was crowded with children. They were gathered around a clown, who was holding bunches of colorful balloons, cookies, cakes, and candies.

"Hurry up, hurry up!" The three children cried out, eagerly running toward the clown.

"Everything is totally free, don't worry, Professor." Genta announced with excitement.

Agasa and the other two walked leisurely, ignoring their constant buzzing.

"So, that's what their secret is?" Conan said in a bored voice. '_How old are they? One is seventeen and one is eighteen. Too old to be crazy about these kinds of stuffs.'_

"Obviously." Ai stifled a yawn, wanting so much to go back to her warm, comfortable bed.

"What's wrong with that tired face?" Conan glanced at the girl next to him from the corner of his eyes. "You should change your sleeping habits. It's not good if you always don't get enough sleep like that."

"Oh, care for me, Edogawa-kun?" She replied smugly, wheeling towards him. He just rolled his eyes.

Turning around, she gazed absent-mindedly at a lovely vine that grew among the green leaves of a graceful tree. The sun at that time shone solely on her, stretching her long shadow, making her look so small and lonely.

'_People say that it's easier to live with your memories than to face the present…_

_But to me, both the past and the present are painful all the same…'_

"If dreams are better than reality, I will want to sleep all the time… Too bad that they're usually worse…" Ai murmured, remembering those nightmares that she always had every night. Her voice was so low that Conan wasn't sure if she meant for him to hear.

Then she slowly drifted her eyes to meet his, speaking more softly. "I wish I was able to choose what to remember and what to forget…so that I could let my past fly far away with the winds… and keep all the happy memories that I have with you in this heart…forever…"

Conan gasped slightly, totally astounded. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish.

Autumn leaves chased desperately after one another around them. A leaf landed on his shoulder unnoticed.

All of a sudden, Ai bent over him with her hands on her hips, smirking devilishly. "Your face is quite a picture, Edogawa. I begin to regret not bringing a camera."

"You…"

"Yeah, I'm just joking. Can't you take a joke?"

Conan pressed his lips together, looking away from her sulkily. _'Urrg…This Haibara…'_

'_If it was simply a joke…Why did it pinch my heart?'_

"What are you two doing there, Ai, Conan?" The three children ran back to them, after realizing they were so far behind.

"You two are as slow as a snail." Genta exhaled loudly, and in a daze he took both their hands, dragging them with him, kind of violently.

"Hey hey..." Conan opposed. His glasses jumped up and down on his nose.

Genta let them free when they approached the clown. He was a typical clown people could see in any circus, foam red nose, big feet, red wig, funny face, and outlandishly decorated outfit. He had handed out almost everything. There were only five animal balloons left and the three children happily received them.

"Aww... so kawaii, Conan-kun." Ayumi squeaked.

Conan smiled sheepishly when the clown gave him a big panda balloon. He looked as if he wanted to dig a hole and jump into it.

Ai snickered to herself. She stood aside them, observing everything calmly like a passerby.

'_Children are easily fascinated by clowns. To them, a clown is just like a cartoon character, which can make them laugh with his silliness…_

_Still I never like clowns._

_Hiding every single natural features of the face under the white mask, putting on the red like blood lifeless smile, pretending all happy cheery, and acting like a biggest fool of the world to make people laugh…_

_Is it really happy when clowns are only meant to be made fun of?'_

"Here, little girl…" Ai startled when someone tapped her shoulder gently. She looked up to see the clown, giving her a …Hello Kitty balloon.

"But…" Ai hesitated. She peeked sideways at Conan, and saw him laughing like an idiot.

The clown smiled encouragingly.

"Thank you." She breathed out, slowly closing her palm around the tiny string the clown handing her.

"A balloon can bring happiness to people." The clown whispered kindly to her.

'_Happiness? It sounds so…unfamiliar.'_

"If so, why don't you keep one?" Ai pointed out, in her typical monotone.

"A clown's job is to bring people happy moments. Seeing them happy, the clown will be happy." He stood straight up. "Just like love, happiness is contagious."

He flashed her a mysterious smile, and strolled away.

She frowned. _'Did he read my mind or what?'_

"What were you two talking about?" Conan and the three children walked over to her place.

"Nothing you need to know, Edogawa-kun." Ai said flatly, smirking. "By the way, Panda really suits you well."

"Like Hello Kitty suits you, Haibara." Conan retorted.

"I think…in fact…Haibara-san and Hello Kitty are both…very cute." Mitsuhiko stuttered, fidgeting with his hands. His face was pink.

"Thank you, Tsuburaya-san. You're so kind." Ai smiled tentatively at him, making him blush like a tomato.

Conan coughed, trying hard to hide his laughter.

"Do you have any problem, Edogawa-kun?" Folding her arms across her chest, she asked in a disparaging tone. Her eyes glared dangerously.

"Nope…" At her dead glare, he raised his eyebrows, faking an 'Oh I'm so innocent' face.

Soon afterward, his phone suddenly vibrated. He searched hastily for the phone, it was Ran. She's calling Shinichi's phone. Conan hurriedly ran to the trees. Keeping a far distance from the three children, he took out his voice changing bowtie, and pressed the phone button.

Ai watched him silently out of the corner of her eyes. His softening expression, his happy smile, his bright eyes, and his blushing face….

She turned her gaze away, letting it glue to the ground. Her shoulders slightly slumped. The Hello Kitty balloon in her hand looked down at her sadly.

'_It's always the same, isn't it?_

_Always be with you but can never reach you_

_Always look at you but can never touch you_

_Just like two parallel lines_

_Stretching forever but never meeting...'_

_._

_._

_._

"Mommy, I want that balloon, mommyyyy…" A four-year-old girl pulled her mother hands, nagging impatiently.

"Stop that, Shizu-chan, you have one already." The mother scowled.

"I want a Hello Kitty one." The little girl pursed her lips, pointing towards Ai.

"Come on, just wait there and keep silence. I will go buy you an ice-cream instead. Agree?" The mother took her to the water fountain placed in the center of the park. The little girl nodded unwillingly, watching her mother's retreating back with an unhappy face.

"Shizu-chan, that's your name, right?" Ai came to the little girl, asking in a soft voice.

Shizu nodded shyly.

"Here. Take it." Ai smiled endearingly and handed Shizu the Hello Kitty balloon.

"But, Oneechan, you only have one. If you give me yours…" Shizu chewed her bottom lips hesitantly.

"It's fine. I don't need it."

"But the clown told me that a balloon can bring happiness to people. Why do you give me your happiness, Oneechan?" Shizu asked curiously. Her innocent eyes bored to Ai's.

"I…" Ai paused. _'I don't have any happiness to begin with.'_

The little girl tilted her head, thinking hard.

"Here, Oneechan." Shizu put her balloon into Ai's hand finally. "You can keep mine."

It was just a simple white smiley balloon.

"Now both you and I can have happiness." Shizu smiled brilliantly.

Blinking her eyes, Ai looked blankly at the balloon in her hand.

"Thank you, Oneechan. I will go and show mommy." Shizu waved her hands blissfully at Ai and quickly ran to her mother.

Ai stood there alone, staring dubiously out an invisible space. She seemed so breakable in that instant.

'_What is happiness? How can you define it? How can you feel it?_

_._

_._

_For someone like me_

_Getting used to pain before even knowing what love is_

_Living to face isolation, doubt, and sadness_

_Having no one to hold and no place to turn_

_Destroying innocent people's lives unintentionally_

_._

_._

_._

_Do I have a right to ask for happiness?'_

"It's rare to see you so nice, Haibara." Conan's sudden voice gave Ai a slight jump, but she recovered her composure right away.

"I am always nice to people who are nice to me." Mockingly, she raised her eyebrows at him.

"Aw, am I mean to you, Haibara?" Conan groaned, faking a hurt voice, his face slightly pouting.

Ai stared at him with an unfathomable expression.

"It's just a balloon, you know. When that little girl grows up, she will find out that there are many things in life you cannot get no matter how much you want it, how desperately you long for it." Her eyes darted to the dim solitary light reflected from the light gray water.

"Nevertheless, this world is treacherous; people can do many stupid things to have what they want. Using tricks, lying and cheating, hurting and deceiving, even killing each other, just to take over what they desire, what they think it should belong to them. They don't understand that what is yours will always be yours. What isn't yours, it will never mean to be. " Ai said, nearly to a whisper.

"Haibara…" Conan muttered. His mouth slightly opened in unease.

"Don't worry. I am not the kind of person who will try to get what doesn't belong to me." Smirking, shrugging in an indifferent manner, she walked off to the three detective kids and Agase.

Conan stared after her back, puzzled.

'_She is a question that you can never find the right answer.'_

x...x...X

The sun shone brightly over the trees, making everything glow. The milky clouds wandered aimlessly in the radiant sky. The birds still sang their beautiful melodies. The park was less crowded than in the morning. People were walking and jogging peacefully on the pebbly roads.

Agasa slept soundly under the shade of a maple tree. Genta, Mitsuhiko, and Ayumi ran around, joking and playing animatedly. Ai and Conan just sat comfortably on a swing, watching them in silence. Every now and then, Conan would glance idly at her, but she just kept her eyes straight forward and her face was emotionless like always. Then, a strong and cold wind gusted through them, swirling Ai's hair around her face, and without warning, snatching her balloon away.

"Ah, Ai's balloon…" The three children cried out. Mitsuhiko and Genta jumped to their feet, eagerly chasing after it.

"It doesn't matter, Mitsuhiko, Genta…" Ai tried to call them back, but they went too far away to hear her.

"Ai-chan, Conan-kun, if we don't run, we will lose it." Ayumi urged, pulling their hands.

Glancing at each other, they both sighed in unison and ran off with her.

When they caught up, Mitsuhiko and Genta were trying hard to reach the highest branch of a maple tree. Ai's balloon was stuck there. Its string swayed teasingly in the air.

"Ai-chan…" Ayumi turned to her with a worried look in her eyes.

"It's fine. I never wanted to run after it in the first place." Ai responded coolly.

"We followed it all the way up here, and you say you don't want it now?" Conan asked. It wasn't even a question.

"So? What do you want me to do? Climbing up the tree? I'm sorry, I'm not a monkey. Flying up there? I don't have wings." Scoffing, Ai crossed her arms over her chest.

"So? You give up?" He persisted, ignoring completely her heavy sarcasm.

"It isn't 'giving up' or 'not giving up', Edogawa-kun." Ai rolled her eyes. A chilly breeze blew through her, making her shudder involuntarily.

"When the balloon was blown away, that means it didn't want to stay with me any more. When something wants me to let it go, I will let it go. I don't want to hold on to anything or try to keep anything back." Her voice was almost inaudible. "Moreover, that balloon isn't mine in the very first place."

Ai whirled around, walking back to the road they had come from. She felt so exhausted.

'_Balloons, happiness, or…you, are all the same…'_

_._

_._

_._

"Conan-kun!" Ayumi screamed.

"Be careful, Conan!" Genta shouted.

Ai spun around, astonished to see Conan on the maple tree. He was like a squirrel, moving very quickly in the canopy of leaves. He tried to grab the balloon's thin string. It just kept flying out of his reach though. It took him a difficult time to grasp the string in his hand, and he almost fell down the tree more than once.

'_That idiot…'_ Ai raced to him, nearly panicked.

Conan jumped down the ground safely. Trying to catch his breath, he shot a victorious grin at Ayumi, Genta, and Mitsuhiko.

Ai sighed in relief.

He made his way towards her. And they stared at each other in tense silence.

"Here. Hold it tighter this time." He held out the white smiley balloon. "What is yours will always be yours. But if it is yours, and just because it flies out of your hand one time, you give up on retrieving it, you will lose it yourself." He looked away from her. "People who don't even try cannot get what they want and keep what belong to them."

Ai's eyes never left him, something smoldering in them. Her expression was unreadable.

Reaching her hand out, Ai… held Conan's hand in hers.

"Haibara…" Slightly blushing, he turned swiftly, looking at her in pure surprise.

The winds danced between them. The sun scattered its buttery light on them.

Birds swiftly flapped their wings away. Time stood dead still in its track.

And she slowly unclenched his fingers.

"Haibara…"

And she opened his hand.

And the balloon flew out… to the sky…

She let go.

Time started moving again…

"Balloons are meant to float in the sky." Seconds passed by and a vague smile graced her lips.

"If I take it now, bring it home, sooner or later, it will eventually lose gas to the outside and end up in the trash can. Don't you think it's much better to let it free, and disappear in the sky like that?" She gazed up, thoughtfully.

Feeling his eyes still on her, Ai said quietly. "I don't give up because I think I cannot get it… I give up because I want to see it fly happily with freedom."

And her gaze landed on him, she mouthed a silent thank you.

The three children looked at each other, nodding in agreement. Without any words, they released all the strings of their balloons at the same time.

Ai turned to them in surprise, her eyes questioning. They just grinned at her.

"It's better if you're not alone, isn't it?" Conan said simply, smiling at the five balloons floating up toward the sun.

...-...-...-...-...-...

.

.

.

_** When I let the balloons fly into the sky, I hoped that I also let my love go._

_I hoped that it would vanish in the instant the balloon disappeared out of my sight._

_I hoped that I could set myself forever free from these heartbreaking feelings…_

_._

_._

_But when you turned to me, with your smiling face, I painfully asked the sky, why love still stayed? **_

_._


	4. Love and Ambiguity

*******_** Love and Ambiguity **_*******

.

_** Love is like smoke, no certain shape and limited border. It reflects differently in everyone's eyes, changing constantly based on where they stand to look at it and how imaginative they are…_

_._

_Sometimes, it's almost invisible to your own eyes._

_Unable to find any evidence of its existence_

_Neither going forward nor giving up can be done. **_

_._

_._

...-...-...-...-...-...

The strawberry blonde girl was walking alone in the corridor when she saw Kobayashi-sensei carrying a large pile of books around with obvious trouble. She almost hit the wall more than twice.

"Let me help you." The girl stepped toward her sensei quickly.

"Thank you so much, Haibara-san." Kobayashi-sensei smiled appreciatively, handing the strawberry blonde girl one-third of her books. "They're really heavy."

"Where are you going to put them?"

"In the library. They are books for next year." Kobayashi-sensei informed, walking with the little girl to the doorway. "Where are your detective friends?"

"They're in class." She replied simply, not really trying to make conversation.

Kobayashi-sensei glanced sideways at the little girl next to her; she was always quiet and hard to approach. _'Haibara and Edogawa have something really different from other students. It isn't just because they are so much smarter or more mature than the rest of my class. It's like they don't belong to this place…May be it's just my imagination or I am being over sensitive?'_

"Sensei, if you don't pay attention to where you are going, you will bump something again." The girl reminded her in amusement.

Kobayashi-sensei immediately looked straight forward, and therefore, she avoided hitting the door right in front of her.

They passed by the soccer field in comfortable silence. Suddenly, a ball flew toward their direction, smacking into the little girl's back. She dropped all the books and collapsed on the ground.

"Oh my god, Haibara-san, are you alright?" Putting down her books in hurry, Kobayashi-sensei asked worriedly, trying to help the young girl stand up. Then turning to the boys in the field, she yelled disapprovingly, "You should watch out before you kick anything!"

"I'm fine." Dusting her clothes, the little girl reassured with a smile and bent down to pick up the fallen books.

"Are you sure?" Kobayashi-sensei's face was skeptical.

"Yes. We should get going. The bell will ring in ten more minutes." The girl answered casually, heading to the library.

.

.

.

x...x...X

"What took you so long, Ai-chan?" Ayumi asked curiously after the strawberry blonde girl entered the classroom.

"Yeah, I don't think washing your hands can take half an hour." Genta commented. "I wash my hands in ten seconds."

"Eww… You're so dirty, Genta." Mitsuhiko wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Shut up." Genta swung a fist at him, but he successfully dodged it.

"I helped sensei bring new books to the library." The little girl stated the fact, returning to her seat as soon as the bell rang loudly.

Shrinking against her chair, her eyes flickered to the raven haired boy next to her. He was staring with a strange expression.

"What?" She said tensely.

He turned his attention back to his mystery book, as if he didn't hear anything.

"Sorry, I cannot go home with you guys now. I need to help sensei in the library." The strawberry blonde girl announced aloofly, gathering her things.

"I will stay to help you, Ai-chan." Ayumi suggested with kindness.

'Don't you go shopping with your mom today?" Her face was full of false surprise.

"Oh, right." Ayumi recalled, deflated. "I'm sorry."

"How about us? Genta and I can give you a hand." The freckled boy asked eagerly.

"Ok. If you want to miss your Kamen Yaiba TV show." The little girl shrugged, stuffing her books into her schoolbag.

They looked at each other, hesitating.

"Don't worry. You guys just go home. Sensei doesn't need too many people to stay back." She smiled, her tone closing the subject without any further argument.

"Hurry up, you three." The boy wearing classes urged, standing at the entrance door, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently. "I have to go to the supermarket with Ran-neechan."

Running to him like little birds, the three children turned to the strawberry blonde girl.

"Bye bye, Ai-chan." Ayumi waved her hands at her.

"Bye bye, Haibara-san. See you tomorrow." Mitsuhiko and Genta shot her a grin.

"Bye-bye." The little girl muttered half-heartedly, watching them disappear out the door.

She sat frozen in her seat, staring blankly at the closed door. The smile attached to her lips fell effortlessly.

'_Sorry, I'm lying to you guys…'_

_._

_._

The rays of sunshine danced over her face, unable to light up the darkness behind those sad eyes. She glanced at the chair next to her with a doleful expression. Balling her hands into fists, the strawberry blonde girl moved to that seat, dropping her head against the desk tiredly.

'_I can still feel your warmth from your seat…_

_I can even imagine how funny your face looks like every time you fall asleep during some boring lessons._

_Every single trait of your face is engraved deep into this mind of mine as though I can draw them on paper…_

_._

_._

_I wonder…_

_If someday…you don't come to this class any more_

_If someday…you return to your old world…_

_What should I do?_

_._

_._

_What will I become?'_

A strong wind rushed through the cherry blossoms, tearing them off their branches and scattering them into the sky, looking as if it was snowing. A silky cherry blossom petal flew to the room, brushing against the little girl's pale cheek, tingling…

'_I am just like those flower petals_

_Come alone and leave alone_

_Wait alone and suffer alone…_

_But it's okay...'_

She didn't know how long she had sat there, in the dark and silent classroom, gloomily gazing out the open window.

'_Sometimes I find myself empty as a bare wall. _

_Love or pain is just like the winds blowing past me…'_

A few more minutes ticked by and the strawberry blonde girl got to her feet unsteadily. Her face grimaced in pain. She had twitched her ankle when she fell down at the soccer field. She tried to hold it in for the whole time so that no one would find out her injury.

The little girl pressed her lips tightly together, limping carefully to the doorway.

'_I should be grateful to that organization…_

_._

_._

_People cry when they get hurt._

_People yell when they're angry._

_People feel blue when they realize they're lonely._

_People seek comfort when they're in pain._

_._

_How about someone who has never been taught how to express her own emotions, freezing her feelings under the impassive mask, biting back harsh tears and locking her affection behind thousands of impenetrable walls?_

_._

_._

_I should thank them for making me this poker-faced robot…'_

The strawberry blonde girl hobbled down to the school ground with immense difficulty. She felt as if a sword was sliding through her foot. Panting heavily, she tried to control her balance.

"Do you always have to act cool?"

Her back stiffened as she turned her head slowly toward the owner of that low, intense voice.

He was standing a few feet away from her, arms folded, leaning against a cherry blossom tree. His face was hidden in the shadow and so she couldn't read his expression.

"Kudo? Why are you still here?" Her voice was slightly hoarse but her face gave nothing away. No surprise. No pain. Like a frozen lake with its turbulence beneath.

'_Why do you always appear in the wrong place and at the wrong time?_

_When I desperately want to push you away_

_When I hope I can just shut you out of my heart…'_

_._

_._

"You ask me? Shouldn't I be the one asking why you lied to us to stay back in class?" Turning to her, he scrutinized her face conspicuously, demanding an answer.

"How did you know?" She inhaled deeply, avoiding his question.

"I'm a detective after all, aren't I?" The raven haired boy raised one eye brow at her.

"Shouldn't you go somewhere with Ran?" The girl inquired tonelessly, changing the subject.

"I called Ran to tell her wait. It isn't something very urgent anyway." He explained simply as he strode up to her.

"Here. Hold it for me." He handed her his light schoolbag, bending down.

She stared at him with a confused look on her face. "What are you doing?"

"What do you think I am doing?" Shaking his head incredulously, he gestured her. "Climb on my back."

"What?" Her eyes widened in disbelief. He should've been kidding.

Sparrows erupted noisily from the trees.

The gentle winds swept past them, sending cherry blossoms down like a red rain.

"Baka…Do you think you can go home with that sprained ankle?" He threw back another question, and before she opened her mouth to protest anything, he continued. "I saw the way you walk when you went out that door. It's better if I carry you, isn't it?"

They stared at each other for a long moment.

'_Giving hope to someone and crushing it later is cruel, don't you know, Conan?'_

"I appreciate your concern, Kudo-kun." The little girl kept her voice indifferent and her expression vacant. "But I can walk on my own. I don't need anybody to take care of me!"

"Are you sleep-talking?" He mocked, looking unconvinced at all.

"Just move out of my way. Don't patronize me." She snarled in a tense voice, hoping to disguise her pain as irritation.

Gritting her teeth, she took one step forward, wanting to show him that she could walk, but her leg hurt so much that she stumbled down and had to grasp his hand for support.

"See? Trying to play ok and continuing to walk just make your injury worse. C'mon, don't be so stubborn, Haibara." He gripped her elbow firmly, pulling her arm over his shoulder.

"…" The strawberry blonde girl bit her lip hard, hating herself for being so weak.

The boy gave her a warm smile as he read her hesitation. His cerulean eyes looked directly into hers, telling that he had no intention of leaving her alone. "Let's go home?"

'_I hate your smile as much as I love it._

_Every time I want to run away_

_Every time I feel angry at myself_

_You just smile at me_

_With your piercing eyes_

_And the darkness in my aching heart is no longer there.'_

She turned her gaze away, torn between ambivalent emotions.

'_How can you love someone without hurting someone else?'_

"I guess I have no other choice." With a sigh of surrender, the little girl reluctantly let him help her sling onto his back. She wrapped her arms around him awkwardly, lowering her head to hide the blush slowly creeping onto her cheeks.

'_I wish you weren't as warm as sunshine…so that my frozen heart would never be melt away by your radiant heat…'_

_._

"Neh, Haibara…" The boy walked with deliberate steps, not wanting to hurt her leg more.

"What?"

"I remember the last time I carried you, you were very light. Why are you this heavy today? Seriously, you should go on a diet." He breathed out dramatically.

"Do you want to die, Kudo-kun?" She warned darkly, glaring at the side of his face.

"Oi, oi…I'm just kidding." His laugh was light-hearted. "But you're not adorable at all, Haibara."

"Yeah. 'Cause I'm already extremely attractive. You shouldn't ask too much for something, should you?" She retorted smugly.

He snorted, the corner of his lips lifting into an amused smile.

The whole sky looked golden, while orange and red-colored clouds were gliding lazily over them. A flock of birds flew swiftly towards the setting sun, looking like a white veil across the endless horizon.

"Tell me, how did you know I lied?" The strawberry blonde girl asked suddenly as her eyes followed the shadow of a lonely sparrow flapping away.

"When you came back to class after you went to wash your hand, the way you walk wasn't normal. There was also some garden soil on your socks, but we didn't play soccer today. Therefore, I thought you had tripped over something and twisted your leg as you helped sensei carry her books to the library." The boy turned to smirk at her. "There is nothing can escape my detective eyes."

"Why didn't you ask me or tell the kids about that earlier?" She probed coolly, ignoring the smug look on his face.

"With your cryptic personality, even if I had asked you, you wouldn't have given me a straight answer anyway. Moreover, I knew you did not want to make the kids worried, so I let it go."

"So… you said nothing and waited for me…I should be grateful to you for your_ unusual_ chivalry, shouldn't I? It was unexpected and a bit out of your character though …" The little girl remarked with sarcasm. Her voice sounded slightly choked with another emotion but he didn't notice.

'_That's right…_

_You seem to like to be a Knight in Shining Armor…_

_But if you have belonged to someone else_

_That chivalry of yours can easily break a girl's heart_

_Are you fully aware of that, Kudo?'_

"Ha-ha, very funny, Haibara." He laughed wryly, before putting on a serious expression. "What else could I do? You're always so stubborn and secretive…Hiding your wounds and hurt, never uttering out a word even if you're in pain…You don't want to appear weak and worry other people but that kind of thought just worries them more. Do you really think pretending to be fine in front of us will make us feel better?"

His eyebrows pulled closer together. "Next time, if you get injured, please say out loud. Even yelling is ok to me. Just don't keep it for yourself. People don't know, they can't help you."

"Not everybody is as smart as me." He added, grinning cockily.

The little girl didn't say anything but stared down the street with a faint trace of sorrow in her emerald eyes.

'_I don't want to depend on anybody…_

_I don't want to rely so much on…you…_

_._

_My heart is wireless_

_It should be attached to no one…_

_._

_._

_We can have the same destiny_

_But our fates are totally different from each other_

_Someday you will come back to that light world of yours_

_With that angel patiently waiting for you_

_And I will remain here, in this dark world of mine._

_._

_._

_If you weren't so kind to me_

_If you just treated me like your enemy_

_Loathing me_

_Like someone did destroy your life_

_It would not hurt me this much…'_

x...x...X

They walked in silence, oblivious to other pedestrians passing by. The sound of the boy's footsteps echoed quietly in the empty street.

A cold breeze whipped through her strawberry blonde hair, flicking some strands across her face. She subconsciously tightened her arms around his small shoulders, making him blush slightly.

'_I want this…_

_I want that…_

_No matter how many times I cry out in despair, every word will merely vanish under the blue sky…_

_._

_._

_It doesn't matter how many days and months I can stay with you, trying to hold your shoulders a little tighter like this moment, I can never keep you by my side._

_._

_I just wish I can let you go, like water flows in the river, unthinking and uncaring…'_

_._

_._

"Neh, Edogawa-kun, do you want to know a secret?" The little girl mumbled in a strange tone after a while.

"What kind of secret?" He asked warily, sneaking a look at her from the corner of his eyes.

"Promise me that you will not tell anyone?"

"Uh huh..." he nodded, his face holding some kind of interest.

The little girl smiled vaguely, closing her eyes for a few seconds as if she was struggling against some internal tempest.

Then, carefully covering his ears with her hands, she whispered in her softest voice, like the murmurs of the wind through the vast ocean.

**_"Aishiteru."_**

The raven haired boy stopped abruptly.

She let go her hands, hugging his neck dejectedly, suffocating with sadness.

'_Neh , Conan, do you know what the most painful moment in love is?_

_._

_._

_._

_It is when you find out who the most important person to you in this world is at the same time you realize he's never meant for you in the very first place. _

_And finally you have no choice but leave him._

_._

_. _

_Silent love… I had never understood those words until I met you. _

_Silent love means giving everything you have to the one you love to get nothing in return._

_It means staying in a shadow, looking at that person and wishing him happy even if the one bringing him his happiness can never be you.'_

_._

"Did you just say something?" A faint frown creased his forehead.

"Yeah, I just told you my deepest secret." She responded, breathless.

'_Saying I love you is good for nothing, God and I both understand that…_

_Love will push us more faraway than just being indifferent…'_

_._

_._

"Whattttt?" He raised his voice, not quite yelling.

"Couldn't you hear it?" She smirked. The boy could not see her face fully but he knew by heart that tone.

"You covered my ear! How could I hear it?" He rolled his eyes in exasperation.

'_But I will pretend that I did confess to you_

_I will pretend that you did hear me_

_So that I will be able to smile the day we say farewell…'_

_._

_._

"Oh, too bad. I just said it one time." She chuckled quietly.

"You just wanted to make fun of me, Haibara. You didn't want to tell me in the beginning…" The boy grumbled sulkily, continuing walking.

The little girl said nothing for a long while. Then she gazed up to the sky tinted with crimson and gold clouds, murmuring.

"A secret should always remain a secret."

A different smile blossomed on her lips. It's so innocent and somewhat vulnerable, as if her perfect mask could fall out and break to pieces at any minute.

'_My love is like one of those things that should never be spoken and will be eternally deemed nonexistent in this desolating world._

_These feelings that should be treasured and appreciated to other people can only cause deep wounds and separation to us._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_That's why…_

_._

_Gomen ne, Conan_

_For loving you without your agreement_

_For foolishly hoping that we could have a future together_

_Yet both of us know too well_

_Needless to say_

_You and I can never write out a happy ending.'_

_._

_._

.

.

...-...-...-...-...-...

_** Love is like smoke, kissing your soul soundlessly._

_Sometimes you think it isn't there but maybe it's always there._

_Just because you cannot see it_

_You let it disappear unrecognized._

_._

_._

_._

_That evening, under the setting sun, with your warmth and my sudden melancholy, has stayed in my memory like a formless, wavering dream._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_I truly wanted to tell you, in that sad dream, that 'I do love you.'_

.

.

* * *

Oh, Okay. it's kind of cliche. My stories change based on my mood. :{

I don't even know if this story can be under 'Unspoken' term or not. But Conan didn't know anything after all, that's why I think it should be 'unspoken'. :P


	5. Love and Definition

***** Love and Definition *****

_._

_._

_** People like giving name and definition to everything. _

_Trying to define love as if it is something you can chop up into sections and examine them under a microscope._

_Isn't it ridiculous? __**_

_._

_._

_._

...-...-...-...-...-...

"Arrgg, why does it rain today? It hasn't even hit the rainy season yet!" Genta groaned, looking down at the rain-soaked ground unhappily from the window.

"Yeah, we're supposed to play soccer in the fifth period." Mitsuhiko stared at his textbook disinterestedly.

"Then what are we going to do for class activity? Silent reading and writing Kanji are so boring." Ayumi sighed.

"Stop complaining, you three. We'll play a little game in this free period." Kobayashi-sensei came back to class, smiling pleasantly.

"What game, sensei?" The room filled with noises and the children suddenly became excited.

"It's very simple. Everyone, take out a piece of paper." She clapped her hands, continuing to talk when she had their full attention. "Now, write what you think about love. Love for your family, friends, school, and so on. Then we will start to share with each other. You will read out loud the paper of the person sitting next to you and that person will read yours. Easy, right?"

"Can that even be called a _game_?" Genta made a long face. His excitement fell drastically down to zero.

"Yeah, it's so…lame." Mitsuhiko agreed, tapping his pencil on his desk, showing no enthusiasm.

Kobayashi-sensei kept her hands on her hips as she bent down to face the two of them, asking in an intimidating voice. "Ha…ha. So, you two _do it or not_?"

They let out a nervous laugh and immediately scribbled on their papers.

She walked down across the aisles, watching her students intently with a hidden smile.

"Even if she wants everyone to get to know each other better, she shouldn't pick this silly topic." Conan muttered darkly, spinning his pencil around his fingers.

"Oh, shouldn't you be the one interested the most in this topic, Kudo-kun? Your _passionate_ love for…you-know-who." Ai smirked, writing something down on her paper.

"Baka, this is a first-grade class." Conan mumbled, his cheeks flaming.

"So you say that if this isn't a first-grade class, you will be more than willing to write an epic love poem for her to confess your undying love, right?" Glancing at him from a corner of her eyes, Ai noted sarcastically.

"Who do you think I am? A romantic freak?" Almost dropping his pencil, he raised his eyes at her.

"No. Just an idiot in a love drama." She answered nonchalantly without shifting her eyes.

"Hey hey…" He glared at her and his expression quickly turned into curiosity.

It seemed like she was _really_ paying attention to this lame game.

"What are you writing about, Haibara?" Leaning over his desk, he tried to take a quick glimpse at her paper but she hurriedly hid it under her hands.

"Conan-kun!" He jumped at the sound of Kobayashi-sensei's voice. Turning around, he put on a very cute grin and hoped it could work like every time.

"You shouldn't disturb Haibara-san. Everybody will share their papers later so there's no need to look over it now." She scowled at him and the corners of her mouth turned down in disapproval.

"I'm sorry." He lowered his head, apologizing to her.

Ai snickered silently, seeming oblivious to the annoyed look on his face.

x...x...X

"Mitsuhiko, you're next." Ayumi reminded the freckled boy who was drawing random circles on his notebook idly.

He took Genta's paper, gawking at it, and shook his head in an unacceptable way. "My god, your handwriting is so terrible. I cannot read it at all."

"Because your standard is low, Mitsuhiko." Genta snapped his paper back, raising his hand. "Sensei, can I read my own?"

"Ok. Go ahead." Kobayashi-sensei waved her hand toward him, gesturing her consent. She was so happy to see how much her students cooperated.

Genta stood up confidently, clearing his throat audibly, as if he was giving a very important speech about world peace.

"Love is eel

So yummy

No matter

How many times I eat

And eat

I still want more

And more

One bowl, ten bowls

My stomach can never be full."

He stopped and glanced around, expecting thunderous applause from his classmates. But the whole class just gaped at him, and suddenly burst out laughing.

Even the teacher couldn't hide her amusement.

"You are always full of spirit for food, aren't you, Genta-kun?" Wiping her tears, Ayumi teased him.

Sitting down sulkily, Genta turned to Mitsuhiko and argued something with him.

"Your writing is so cute, Genta-kun." Kobayashi-sensei commented, coaxingly.

Everyone clapped their hands in agreement and a huge grin reappeared on Genta's face.

"Actually, Genta had a good point about love." Ai murmured, resting her cheek on her hand.

"Huhm?" Conan perked up, tilting his head toward her.

"Love is like a special kind of food. You can eat a lot but always feel hungry and want more than what you have. In addition, everybody has their own tastes, so the kinds of food they like are surely different from one another. If your most favorite food is fried chicken and you're loyal and devoted, no matter what delicacies people give you, you still choose what you like the most. Don't you think?" Ai quirked an eyebrow at his bewildered face.

"Nah…You said as if you are an expert of love, Haibara. I'm really curious even though I know it's kind of impossible. Have you ever loved somebody?" Conan asked with token interest, grinning teasingly. He wasn't serious, even his tone could tell her that.

Her eyes, in a flash, turned very cold. Like the sharp color of ice. Like the misty fog of winter. Like the wall she set up to shield her wounded heart.

"I'm not like you, Edogawa. I don't believe in anything without reason, such as human love. It is just an illusion that people try desperately to find in this boring world. Throwing their lives and their time away to search for something so intangible and uncertain…" She whispered unemotionally.

"Haibara…" Conan uttered hesitantly, wanting to say something but Kobayashi-sensei cut him off again.

"Haibara-san, your turn." She said with a sweet smile plastered onto her face.

Barely looking at Conan, Ai held out her hand. He sighed, putting his piece of paper on her open palm.

"Love is a mystery book. You can read many times but may not be able to understand it." She read smoothly in her monotone, without any trace of feeling.

"Wow, that's good, Conan-kun." Ayumi praised sincerely.

"Thank you." His smile was embarrassed.

Conan was next now. Ai handed him her paper. There was a glint in her eyes that made him nervous. He slowly unfolded her paper, staring at it like a frog as he opened his mouth for an appropriate response but only managed an indistinct sound.

"Ah…Uh…." Groaning inwardly, he shot Ai an angry glare.

Sitting up straight, she just looked at the teacher with her most innocent face, as if she didn't have a slightest idea why his eyes were boring into her skull like that.

"What's wrong, Conan? Don't tell me you cannot read Haibara's handwriting?" Genta asked ruthlessly.

"No way. Haibara-san's handwriting is neat and beautiful, not like you, Genta." Mitsuhiko protested instantly.

"Conan-kun, just read it. Don't be shy." Kobayashi-sensei encouraged him.

The corners of Ai's mouth slightly twitched as she was trying to suppress a smirk.

Conan took a deep breath and gritted his teeth. His brain worked quickly, his hands were sweating.

"Love is…It is…" He stuttered miserably, searching everything that popped out in his mind for a predicate.

"Love is…a flower that grows and blossoms in your heart." He blurted out finally, waving his hands around in a childish way as if he tried to illustrate what he was saying.

Ai's eyes widened in surprise. She would have laughed if she hadn't been so astounded.

"That's really deep, Haibara-san." Mitsuhiko complimented sheepishly.

A blank look appeared on her face.

Kobayashi-sensei was explaining something to the class but both Conan and Ai paid no attention at all.

"Your creativity amazed me, Edogawa-kun. You didn't read what's written in my paper." Ai snorted.

Glaring at her, he put the paper on her desk.

"How am I supposed to read something like this in a first grade class? You will be in big trouble, Haibara. I just saved you." He hissed unpleasantly.

"There is nothing wrong with what I wrote." Ai snapped in annoyance.

"Yeah. There isn't." Conan mimicked her sarcastic tone. "If your eyes have serious problem or you are illiterate."

And he read what she wrote in a hushed voice so that only they could hear.

"**_L_**ost – Lose yourself and become disoriented, like going down a spiral without any escape.

**_O_**bstructive – Make yourself stuck dead in one place, unable to turn away.

**_V_**acant – Empty or **_V_**ulnerable – Your defenses become so weak and your heart is easy to break. Anyone can touch you, hurt you, reach you, and leave you.

**_E_**pidemic – An infectious disease that once you get attacked, you are incurable. Even if you're one in a million people who is lucky enough to get out of it, love still leaves deep scars all over your heart."

Ai chuckled bleakly. "It is the truth, isn't it?"

"Seriously, Haibara, I know you are never the one for love but this is way too negative. I admit that love can bring to you many tragedies like those I used to witness, but if it is true love, you can definitely find your ha –"

"Stop talking about this." Ai suddenly cut sharply into his sentence. The way she looked at him was so strange.

Angry? Or hurt? He couldn't tell.

For a long moment, they didn't say anything. The noises around them seemed to come from a different world. Only the rain knocked on the window, filling their space with a sad melody.

Gazing out at the heavy rain, she spoke vaguely in a voice that sounded like a wind blowing in the sky, breaking the silence like breaking the ice. "There is someone who is in love with someone else, but cannot find the courage to tell that someone their love. Isn't it idiotic?"

"Hey, you aren't talking about me, are you?" Conan squirmed uncomfortably. His eyes narrowed, trying to scrutinize her vacant expression.

"Who knows…" left her lips carelessly, like a breeze through a grass field.

x...x...X

.

.

The bell had rung ten minutes ago and now the sun was peeking into the empty classroom. The late sunlight danced on the windowpanes, drying the last raindrops falling down from the sky.

Inside the strawberry blonde girl's desk, a crumpled piece of paper was laid there. Even if someone accidentally saw and opened it, they wouldn't be able to recognize any word.

.

.

_'Cause these lines were meant to be erased and thrown away…._

.

.

_'Love is like someone secretly putting a vase of flowers in your room. You cannot smell its fragrance immediately. But after a while, the fragrance gradually begins to fill up in every corner of your room. And before you know it, you are so captivated by that charming scent already…_

_._

_._

_._

_You, the person sitting next to me, are like a magical fragrance that can warm this ice cold air and soothe away my aching pain…_

_._

_._

_Will I be able to breathe without you someday?'_

_._

_._

...-...-...-...-...-...

_._

_._

_** There is one kind of love that you can never know its meaning._

_It has no promise, no sweet words, and no visible tears._

_It stays in your mind like a shadow, scratching your soul with uncertainty._

_It goes through your life voicelessly, dragging its tragedy along unpredictably._

_._

_._

_._

_Letting these feelings cross the friendship line unknowingly, I accept the fate that my love will forever remain undefined. **_

_._

_._


	6. Love and Lies

***** Love and Lies *****

_._

_._

_** There are many kinds of lies._

_There are many reasons to lie._

_We lie to hurt._

_We lie to break._

_We lie to hide our vulnerability._

_._

_._

_There are many kinds of love._

_There are many reasons to love._

_We love to live._

_We love to smile._

_We love to be strong._

_._

_._

...-...-...-...-...-...

Sometimes I caught myself thinking so much of someone whom I shouldn't think of. Sometimes I caught myself staring so long at someone whom I shouldn't stare at.

We usually do what we shouldn't do. No matter how dangerous and crazy it is.

Maybe because we want to experience what we never experience before. Maybe because deep down we desire to be unhappy to realize how happy life should be.

Or maybe everything is just an excuse to cover up the fact that we're all idiots.

But, I never want to put myself under that term.

Even if my actions tell you a different story.

_Not like you will ever notice anything anyway._

Remember the first time we met? I silently watched how you made your deductions about the identity of the woman in black and estimated your real ability. You never knew a thing.

Remember the time I disguised as you to mislead Ran? You asked me why I was helping you and I tried my very best to hide my blush as well as my crush. You never knew a thing.

Remember the time you injured yourself to save me in the bus hijack incident? I think you have somehow stolen my heart that day. You never knew a thing.

Remember the time I confronted Vermouth and completely destroyed your almost _perfect_ plan? I have decided to myself since that crucial moment that I'm willing to sacrifice everything I have to protect you and other people. And you still never knew a thing.

_Not like I ever want you to know anything anyway…_

.

.

"Neh, Haibara, do you think we will ever return to our old forms?"

You suddenly ask me today, with a pensive expression on your face. Your eyes look so strange. They're not as bright as they usually are. They're dull like a dead ocean.

"Of course we will." I tell you as firmly and confidently as I can manage. Lying was one of the first skills I had to learn in the organization. Acting is my natural talent.

I don't have any reason to be Shiho again.

The old me is already so far away. The old me is dead and gone. What stubbornly left is just the haunting past.

You don't say anything for a while. Staring down at the hard ground thoughtfully.

"I saw Ran cry last night. She said she hoped Shinichi would come back..."

You breathe out dejectedly, those simple yet meaningful words. You look so sad that it breaks my heart.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.

She gave you indirectly a heart-shaped chocolate and I saw you eat it very happily. As if it tasted better than anything in this world.

I did wonder what that piece of chocolate tasted like to you. So sweet? A bit bitter? Heavenly?

I did wonder how she felt when you accepted her chocolate. Extremely happy? Totally excited? A tad sad?

I never knew. I never know. I will never know. _Never ever_.

"What should I do? Should I tell her the truth?"

You turn to me, asking me a question that I have heard more than one thousand times.

Maybe one thousand times is a little exaggerated.

But it doesn't matter how many times I hear it, it still hurts me deeply like the very first time.

Messing up your life was my fault. Ruining your happiness was my fault. Making you lie to her was my fault. Everything bad happening to you was all my fault.

'_What should I do?_' I should be the one who desperately wants to cry out that question.

If I am in any position to do that.

_What went wrong I just cannot make it right._

"If you think tell her will make everything better, do it."

You are looking at me as if I just told you to jump off a skyscraper.

Maybe I did.

Isn't it the answer you always want?

"Do you have a fever, Haibara? Or did you take the wrong medicine this morning? It's not what you usually say."

You lean back against your chair, studying my poker face suspiciously.

_There is no way you can know what I'm thinking. There is no way you can know what I'm feeling._

"If you want advice, that's what you get." I snap in faux annoyance.

I know that I am being mean.

_But tell me…_

_How can I comfort you when my heart is as broken as yours?_

_How can I know what you should do when I also find myself so lost in this labyrinth of fate?_

You are now silent. I feel like the world is spiraling down and down.

You sigh so softly. I feel like I'm suffocating.

_I have nothing to give you but my love._

_And you need anything but it._

_How ironic._

"It will not take so long to create the antidote. And then you can come back to her. Don't people always say that the longer you wait for something, the better you feel when you have it?" I smirk at you, trying to lighten your mood.

_Even if I throw my heart on the floor and let it be crushed into pieces._

_Even if I watch you walk straight out of my life, like a dream lies shattered even before given any shape or form._

_All I ever want is to see you happy._

_All I ever want is to correct my stupid mistakes._

"Are you sure?"

This is the first time you have ever showed me your insecurity.

Some people say when you're in love, you become really weak. Like a snail loses its shell.

I know that more clearly than anyone else.

"How dare you doubt me? And if you don't believe it, then you don't believe in Ran, either. She is always patiently and faithfully waiting for you, isn't she?" I raise my eyes at you critically, hearing my empty pieces crash into one another and die down in an inaudible shriek.

She is your weakness. You can lose everything because of her.

Yet, she's also your incredible strength. You can do anything just for her and her.

"You're right. She will always be there for me just like I am always here for her."

A smile reappears on your lips eventually. You seem relieved now. As I expected.

_Always…_

_Always…_

.

.

_Always_.

.

.

Neh, do you know that sometimes I wish I could be like your Ran?

It's not because I want to be with you….

It's not because I want you to love me...

If I were Ran, I could cry whenever I want without any restraint.

I could cry when I feel so sad or when I feel this unbearable pain.

I could cry when you unintentionally tear this heart of mine over and over again.

But I am Ai Haibara. I'm not Ran Mouri.

I'm not your girl. I'm not your lover.

That is why...

I can put on a smile when I let this all go...

.

_What hurts the most? Loving someone who cannot love you back or loving someone but never having the courage to tell him how much you love him?_

_._

"I have to work really hard from now on to bring down that organization as soon as possible."

You grit your teeth and clench your hands. Your blazing eyes are full of anger and hatred.

You used to look at me that way.

And it's much easier to say than to do.

But people should have faith and hope. You taught me that.

Even if the future is unpredictable, I should not run away.

Even if I can never find an ending that I want, I still stay and fight.

.

Because you are my weakness…

And you are my strength.

...-...-...-...-...-...

.

.

.

_I love you…._

_In the color of the memories fading away_

_In the scent of all forgotten days_

_In the sigh of a butterfly flying astray_

_._

_._

_I love you_

_For what I know and what I don't know_

_For what I can reach and what I cannot reach_

_For everything I am and anything I ain't_

_._

_._

_I love you_

_Even when I'm telling those honest lies_

_Even when I'm alone by my side_

_Even when I fall down and die_

_._

_._

_._

_I still love you._

_Like I always do._

_._

_._

* * *

All right. I know this one is so random. No plot at all. Gomen, I'm moody again :(


	7. Love and Hands

**Love and Hands**

_*** Do you know that hands have their own mind?_

_They simply know when to hold someone back and when to let him go…***_

_._

_._

...-...-...-...-...-...

- Her room was dark.

The only light in the lab was the glow of her computer's screen.

Sitting stiffly on the chair, Ai stared at the door, somehow finding herself waiting for something. Or perhaps someone.

Everything was so familiar, the grayish background, the chemical smell, and even the thickening silence. Except the nagging part in her head that she knew incredibly realistic that she was dreaming.

Ai didn't need to pinch her cheek or kick her foot against the desk to realize that.

People didn't feel like they're being trapped inside their bodies and watching everything in front of their eyes as if they were watching a play in reality, right?

Suddenly, the sound of hurried footsteps outside broke the silence spell cast on her room.

"Three, two, one," Ai quietly counted until the door was forcefully opened.

"Bingo." She murmured as a young man stood in her doorway, grinning at her like a hyper idiot.

"Do you know that you have to knock before enter other people's rooms?" Ai raised her eyes at him in displeasure.

"Hello to you too, Haibara. How can you live in darkness like this honestly?" Shutting the door behind, he ignored her question, carefully walking to the end of the room to turn the lights on.

Ai blinked a few times, her tired eyes slowly adjusting to the flooding light. For a short second, without the darkness covering her, she felt so bare. So transparent.

As if he could see through her, see her, the one watching this dream.

But, it's impossible and ridiculous.

He, that clueless detective, couldn't see her even in real life… How could he possibly see her in this stupid dream?

"Well, how are you?" He stood next to her desk, a cheerful smile spreading across his lips.

"I'm perfectly fine and seriously, Kudo, we just met two days ago. Shouldn't your question be where the permanent antidote is?" Frowning, Ai crossed her arms against her chest defensively, masking her sadness with sarcasm.

He couldn't see the pain lying there, could he? After all, pain is invisible and intangible.

Though so many times Ai wished her pain was something solid, so that she could just throw it out the window and let it break into pieces. So that she would never feel it again.

"Nah…" He rolled his eyes but grinned widely with excitement anyway. "Where is it then?"

Ai rummaged through the drawer of her desk, took out the small glass bottle, and handed it to him. "The antidote is pretty much like the prototype you're taking, but without limited time. You will never change back into Conan. However, I'm not absolutely sure that there is no negative side effect after you took it. Risks are always there. In case, if you die, don't come back and haunt me because I have already warned you. 'kay?"

"Oi oi, Haibara…" He happily wrapped his fingers around the glass bottle, his eyes twinkling.

Even if he was risking his life, he would always run forward. Undoubtedly. Bravely. To the future without Ai. To Ran, his beloved princess.

And suddenly, his gaze shifted from the antidote to her impassive face. "What about you, Haibara?"

"What about me?" Ai stared blankly at his hands, highly doubting that she could avoid the answer for the question she hated the most.

"You know what I meant. The Organization's gone now. You don't need to hide anymore. You can change back to your normal form and restart your life. Moreover, even though you used to be one of them, you're not like them. They deceived you to invent the APTX 4869. You ran away from the Black Organization and helped us destroy those evil criminals. With your talent, you can also help the police. So…" He trailed off.

"What else do you want from me, Kudo-kun?" Ai asked in an exhausted voice, squeezing her eyes shut for a short while as she turned away from him. "What else can I give you, Kudo-kun?"

Dreaming or not, she knew some truths might never change.

In the beginning, Ai Haibara's existence was merely meant to help Kudo Shinichi bring down the syndicate and return to his old form.

But when her reason for living was gone, what would be left for her?

Time had already taken everything away from her, cruelly. She could get back neither her lost childhood nor her dear family.

Nobody was waiting for Shiho to come back. Nobody missed Shiho even if she's gone.

Why should she return to be Shiho Miyano?

Nonetheless, could she truly pretend to be Ai Haibara and go on the life of a seven-year-old girl? Could she shamelessly smile and forget her sinful past? Could she foolishly fool herself that as long as she was Haibara, her soul could be completely pure and innocent all over again?

No. She couldn't.

She was not naïve like Kudo.

Life was a white sheet of paper. Everything you wrote on that sheet of paper would forever remain there. You could cross something out but you couldn't erase it. Your acts could be corrected, but never fully forgotten or retracted.

"Haibara, I don't…" Furrowing his brows, he wavered and stopped.

Ai shrugged, passively and wearily, as if she didn't care what he's going to say. Her eyes inconspicuously traced his face and shudderingly realized how much she missed his much younger face.

Conan…

He was the only string of fate which she truly wanted to be hers.

Even though she would never ever admit out loud, he was the main reason she woke up every morning, the main reason she was able to smile, the main reason she started hoping and dreaming again.

The reason she felt so alive.

The reason tomorrow would be alright and her unforgivable sins somehow might be forgiven.

And now, the person in front of her eyes was not him.

Edogawa Conan, the mirage her drug had created, was no longer existent.

'_Perhaps our encounter in this world was caused by the red string of fate but it wasn't strong enough to bind our lives together for all eternity.'_

"Neh, Kudo, put your hand up." She demanded nonchalantly, although the words left her lips were barely a whisper.

Despite his confusion, he raised his hand before her face.

Slowly and hesitatingly, her hand met his, their palms hardly touching one another.

Ai stared at their unlinked hands, studying them with an unreadable expression.

While her hand was small, delicate, and so child-like, Shinichi's hand was big, warm, strong yet so gentle, protective, and carrying a sense of security.

After a few minutes, or maybe just a few long seconds, a broken smile uncertainly formed on her lips.

"Can't you see that, Kudo?" Her voice was low and gravely.

All of a sudden, something's taking over her usual strong and brave form, making her look so vulnerable. Like the glass bottle in his hand. If he didn't hold firmly, it would fall down and smash on the floor.

"Can't I see what, Haibara?" He looked at her strangely, more confused than ever.

She took her hand back, almost shakily.

"Nevermind. I just…" Ai bit her lips hard, unable to say anything as her sad eyes met his soft, liquid ones.

'_I love you._

_But, what can I do?_

_Confess my love? Is it helpful? Will you love me back? Can you love me back?_

_I'm always following you…and losing you…_

_I'm always staying beside you…but there is no way to reach you…'_

Before he's going to ask what's wrong, Ai walked quickly to the end of the room. And all the lights instantly went out, drowning the room in complete darkness. Her computer had automatically shut down long ago.

"Just leave, Kudo." The sharp edge of her voice cut the suffocating silence like a razor, making him uncertain if he should come closer to her and see what her problem was.

He stood still there, and she found it harder and harder to breathe.

She felt herself fade away. Feeling herself disappear into the faint background.

'_Every now and then, I wish I could have been born in another life, but I don't ever regret meeting you…_

_._

_It's just that, if I were another girl, perhaps, I would be able to be with you…_

_._

_Because I am who I am, I can only follow you._

_Because I am who I am, I can only be your shadow and stand aside your life_

_Because I am who I am, I can only let you go, leaving me second-by-second._

_Because I am who I am, I can only bury my love deep inside my heart.'_

_._

_._

_._

"Please." Ai rarely said that word unless she felt the desperate need to say it.

She could feel his eyes worriedly searching for her expression. Nevertheless, he defeatedly began to head out of her lab.

Sighing in slight frustration, he turned to her before opening the door. "We'll talk later, Haibara."

The way he said it, Ai knew it was not simply a statement. It was a promise.

She nodded dumbly, clenching her fists and pushing her numb body against the cold wall.

'_My hands are too small to be able to touch you_

_My hands are too small to be able to reach you_

_My hands are too small to be able to keep you…_

_Too small...'_

When he closed the heavy door behind him, the thick darkness embraced her again, hollow, utterly empty.

"Farewell, Conan."

Even in dreams, tears still tasted so bitterly salty.

.

.

.

.

.

.

x...x...X

- The scenes around her changed hazily.

Sometimes Ai felt like she had been blown away into another space, and when the winds brought her back, everything could never be the same.

During the time Ai was lost inside the swirly grey space between wakefulness and sleep, she realized maybe because she hadn't really tried to hold someone's hands, because she stubbornly believed that everyone would leave her like her parents, like Akemi, and like him, she allowed herself to drift away from the people who loved her the most. She tended to let go. To run and hide. To be forgotten yet not forgiven.

Ai didn't know that Conan's hands might be the warmest ones but that did not mean that other people's hands were not warm and open.

Ayumi, Mitsuhiko, and Genta had loved her like their friends.

Agasa had loved her like his own daughter.

The three children's innocent hands had friendly taken her cold ones and let her share their sacred childhood memories.

The old professor's generous hands had taken her frozen hands in the rain that day, let her stay in his house without any suspicion, and accepted her no matter who she was, Ai Haibara or Shiho Miyano. Or even none of them.

Therefore, the Ai watching this lucid dream knew that they were the main reason she returned, standing here, inside the beautiful church, and watching him nervously wait for the wedding ceremony to take place.

Still, Ai couldn't fool herself that she didn't come back to see him.

Every so often, she wondered what was so different between Conan Edogawa and Shinichi Kudo when in fact they were just the same person.

Perhaps the way they talked?

Perhaps the way they smiled?

When he made his way to her, a bright smile on his face, she was ninety nine point nine percent positive that it was not the way Shinichi smiled which made him different from Conan.

Because her heart was beating rapidly and never stopping clenching in her chest.

Because she couldn't remember what they were talking about when all she could see and pay attention was that familiar smile.

And when he turned around to walk away from her life again, her hand instinctively grabbed his hand.

Surprised, he slowly turned to Ai, giving her a puzzled look.

And she couldn't breathe.

And she couldn't hear.

And she couldn't see.

And she painfully realized, years and years, months and months, days and days, her stupid, foolish, hopeless love had never ever changed.

No matter who he was. Kudo Shinichi or Edogawa Conan.

No matter how many times Ai told herself that she wouldn't ever wanted to be the silly friend who was irrevocably in love with the main character, but ultimately never noticed in those chick flicks and soap operas. That she wouldn't be that blind to keep touching something so hot and get burned over and over again.

And yet, there she was. Like a moth to the flame.

Ai just wished she could wake up right now.

So that she could see Conan's face and his heartwarming smile that had burned through everything she was, straight into her mind like a tattoo.

So that she could listen to his blabbering about the detective books he had read.

So that she could argue with him which soccer team would win the championship this year.

So that she could feel him, like a furnace, emitting tangible heat, melting away the agony in her wintery soul.

So that she could call his name until it's all worn out.

So that she could be sure that he was still there, by her side, that he would not leave her alone any time soon.

But, reality was suddenly so far away. And the dream was so realistic that it might create false memories.

"What's wrong, Hai… No, Miyano?" He scrutinized her vacant expression, the one he could never see through.

'_There are a lot of things wrong with me_

_I am in love with someone I shouldn't love_

_I ran away to desperately realize that the more I try to erase him from my memory, the more I etch his image in my heart to forever remember._

_And now I'm standing here, attending his wedding and pretending as if I'm the happiest friend in the world_

_Can I tell you that? _

_Do you even want to hear that?'_

"Your bowtie isn't straight, Mr. Bridegroom. Don't you want to look perfect on this important day?" Ai smirked, casually fixing it for him.

'_Shouldn't I get Oscar for this role?'_

He blushed, grinning sheepishly at her. "Thanks."

She shrugged, her voice modulated to reveal nothing. "Well, no biggie. You can go now. Your angel is waiting. And I'm…really happy for you, Kudo-kun."

'_Your hand…_

_The one that I held tightly in the bus hijack incident_

_The one that saved me from death and depression_

_The one that protected me just like your promise_

_The one that I used to know that that hand would be out there, catching me whenever I fell down_

_The one that helped me fit in the new world full of laughter and joy._

_._

_._

_I have always known_

_Finally I have to let that hand go completely…'_

"Thank you, Miyano." He smiled softly, appreciatively. "I will see you later then."

And like always, forever and always, she watched him walk away, out of her life. Like a dream was burned in the sky.

What left for her was nothing but grey ashes.

"Goodbye, Shinichi."

And she wished she could cry.

'_Even in dreams, I can't hold you back…_

_Even in dreams, what I can do is hopelessly staring at your back…_

_._

_._

_But it's okay, really._

_Even though I dislike pain_

_Even though I never want myself to end up like this_

_You're happy_

_And that's all that matters_

_To me…'_

_._

_._

She stepped out of the church, standing in a bright, almost blinding sunlight.

Sometimes she didn't really like the sun.

She feared…

When the sun shone through her love, making her realize that maybe it didn't exist…

.

.

Somebody said once that one-sided feelings couldn't be called love.

Love is the connection between two hearts and two souls, so it must have mutual affection.

No matter how figuratively and beautifully people use words to describe them, it's just an excuse.

'_Love is like an intersection of two roads, feelings must come from two sides. _

_Those feelings that come from one side are no different from a one-way road, stretching on forever without a final destination…_

_._

_I love you… and… you don't love me…_

_._

_Therefore, my feelings aren't real love, ne?_

_My love doesn't exist at all, ne?_

_._

_._

_I don't care what my feelings for you are…_

_What their name is…_

_Is it that important?_

_Is the existence of an illusion that important?_

_._

_On my one-way road, there is no intersection of yours._

_On your road, my presence will never be there._

_._

_._

_._

_Just loving isn't enough, is it?_

_Shinichi?_

_._

_._

_._

_._

...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...

_*** We went through dangerous yet glorious days together to fight the same enemy, and no matter how desperately I tried to hold back the ruins of the past, I eventually let you go in this devastating world._

_._

_._

_Even though I didn't want it to end before it even had a chance to begin_

_Even though I faithfully hoped that fate could somehow help me_

_In the end_

_We cannot hold each other's hands and jump to a future_

_We can't. ***_

_._

_._

* * *

I'm really sorry for the late update. I was busy and I have been very sick. =[ And thank you all for your awesome reviews. =}

Well, actually I consider this one the last story of this fic. Until I can find inspiration to write, you can regard it as a complete fic.


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